This is a long but hopefully entertaining post detailing how I uncovered the AB/DL side of myself and came to be back in diapers.
I have lots of thoughts and feelings on the experience so far, and I SO appreciate the space here to be able to share because keeping it all inside would not turn out well!! The mind is not a diaper, LOL 
About me:
I am 36F, divorced for 5 years (was married for 8).
Home base in Central Florida
recovering ex-Christian (growing up in a religious environment has a lot of fun consequences). I now consider myself spiritual and have a greater faith than I ever did
Two Fridays ago, I had an incredibly vivid dream of diapering and wetting myself. I woke up and immediately ordered some diapers for same-day delivery. As soon as I confirmed the order, I was SO excited.
I have been working on reparenting myself, and I think that is where this stems from for me... my parents were emotionally neglectful. Especially my mom. I was never cuddled by my mom, and she never wanted to read books or play games.
The excitement I felt as I waited for my diapers was unparalleled -- this wasn't the first time I'd had such a dream, but it was the most vivid. In fact, I'd been having similar dreams since I was little; probably between 5-7 is when it started.
I felt envious of babies and even my elderly dad, who sometimes has to wear them for bowel incontinence. It's just so care-free -- especially because I am a person who *always* has to pee. Sometimes 3-4 times in a single hour. It's embarrassing and, honestly, sometimes infuriating to have to pee ALL the time. Especially when I'm driving 2-3 hours at a time!!
I live alone but have an assistant here four days a week. It was important to me that I order diapers and she not see them... although I have no problem making up a story if she ever did see them.
When the diapers FINALLY arrived, I tore open the bag immediately. I was just BEYOND excited to try one on. I was nervous they wouldn't fit (I ordered the S/M size SUNKISS TrustPlus from Amazon because they were cheap and available for same-day delivery).
I laid myself down on my massage table and fastened myself into the diaper. I looked at myself in the mirror and giggled... it just felt so FREEING to be doing what my inner child needed. Therapeutic, even. I thought to myself, THIS is freedom, to be able to do *literally* WHATEVER I want... and not worry about judgment. The level of excitement I felt amounted to the same feeling like I was going to have a panic attack, haha.
Another thing I've been working on with myself is self-trust. I am my own best friend. We should all be our own best friends. I'm not judging myself; know I will never betray myself, and my secret is safe with me. That was seriously trust-building!!
I've had many laughs in the last few weeks about how funny it is that I'm just.... chillin', and wearing a diaper.
I am very big into health and have recovered from a multitude of mental health conditions (bipolar symptoms, severe ruminating OCD, ADHD, depression, extreme anxiety, panic) that were actually caused by poor diet and stress (leading to my brain being deficient in lots of critical things it needed to function). As such, I juice and make smoothies regularly.
You can imagine it was not long before I needed a change ;-)
In fact, just in the first day of wearing, I soiled EIGHT diapers. I mentioned that I pee a lot... but I also messed in 4 of those 8!!
(which, messing is not my favorite, ha... but it's part of my process to let it happen and compassionately clean & change myself afterward).
This community is amazing too; I have spent HOURS laughing and celebrating all the freedom you have expressed here.
Had some more laughs about how FREE I felt. Free to "go" wherever, mostly, but the process of changing myself I have also thoroughly enjoyed as well.
I like the look and feel of the diapers themselves. It does feel surprisingly good to wet it and then... not worry about it. I talk to myself when I need to go and let myself know it's okay; I'm here to clean up any mess so don't worry, no mess is too big. As a child, I lived in fear of angering my mom because it seemed like ANYTHING would make her angry.
As someone who's always conscious of where the bathroom is at all times (especially in public), it has brought me newfound peace of mind to know I can just diaper up when I'm going to be in certain situations. I've already bought a TON more heavy-duty diapers for overnight since I don't trust these cheaper ones to not wet my sheets (I sleep on my side))
I have been aware for quite some time now that the reason I thought I did not want to have children was because I didn't enjoy being a child myself. This process of embracing the oddly vivid diaper dreams has made me think that reparenting myself is key to healing that part of me and that maybe -- and there's still time! -- when I find the right partner, the scary parts of early parenthood (SUCH AS CHANGING DIAPERS) won't be so scary anymore. Before a few weekends ago, I had NEVER changed a diaper.
So, in that way, too, it's been very empowering.
Having compassion for a baby (me) (even when they have messed themselves) is healing the inner baby who had an angry, emotionally unskilled mother. She told me that I cried for the first three months of my life. Nonstop.
And I can still hear my mom's voice in my mind from semi-recent memories during manic-psychotic episodes that landed me in a psychiatric hospital. She reacts with anger to pretty much anything she does not understand, so when I was having manic episodes, she YELLED at me, "I've known you for 30 years! I changed your diapers!!" That was her yelling at me to snap out of it because she didn't recognize me, basically, when I had no control over what was happening in my brain. Doctors didn't even tell me it was caused by marijuana; they just told me I had bipolar disorder and would need to take medication. I did have four more trips to a facility due to mania and psychosis, but nothing since July 2020.
Here I am three years later and on no meds, no longer use marijuana or any drugs (aside from very occasional Xanax), AND I'm a certified health coach!
Another thing I wanted to mention... regarding the sexual side of this. I mentioned at the beginning of this post that I'm an ex-Christian. Growing up religious, I felt so much shame about sexuality and was constantly feeling guilty for any sexual experiences I had, especially when I wasn't married. I sometimes feel like I need to pee before I orgasm and, with or without a partner, I am so scared of this happening. If I pleasure myself with a diaper on, I have next to zero worries about a potential flood, which is SO FREEING!!! The increase in self-trust and self-compassion through this experience is unparalleled -- if *I* can feel 100% free and comfortable WITH MYSELF, that will help me co-create an amazingly deep and even spiritually enlivening experience with a partner -- that is something I desire.
Have a thought about dom/sub at all? Yes. While I do not like the idea of being a "mommy", the idea of having a daddy kind of turns me on... lol I'm a very successful woman who has actually found it difficult to find a man who is not intimidated by that success. I don't NEED a man to take care of me, but the truth is, I would LOVE to be taken care of both financially and physically.
Maybe that has something to do with the emotional absence of my father? I have a better relationship with him now than I did as a child, but even when I share things with him, the subject always gets rabbit-trailed to something related to him. Like... when I tell him I'm going on a road trip, he'll tell me why he's "done with all that" and can't get around good enough to do it even if he wanted to. Haha. I could tell, even when I was little, that my mom didn't trust my dad to take care of us, and he would literally not be able to take care of me now (not physically or financially). I'm sure my inner child needs healing from that in some way.
I know it would take a LOT of trust with a partner for me to feel comfortable ever sharing this with them, but I am also 100% okay with keeping it to myself. Because I am my own best friend, the idea of keeping it just for me only serves to increase the trust I have within myself.
I've already had my first encounter "in the wild" while wearing, too -- one morning, I woke up to find my car battery dead (and I've only had it for a month!!) I called Roadside Assistance. I'd already changed and was clean n' fresh, in the kitchen making juice and smoothies for the day. RIGHT BEFORE the guy who was coming to jumpstart me was about to arrive, I had to go #2... I debated: do I make him wait, OR do I go real quick and, knowing I was wearing athletic shorts with a liner that would likely seal in any possible odor for the < 10 minutes he was going to be here, take the risk?
I decided to take the risk because I didn't hav much of a choice. The guy was in my driveway. I messed and went out and met him, climbed into the vehicle to start her up -- I really wanted to avoid sitting in it as much as possible but could not... but hey, all part of the journey, and I again compassionately cleaned and changed myself again after he'd left.
I'm about to start living out of my vehicle (not out of necessity; it's a travel van), and having diapers to wear while I'm driving (especially the more heavy-duty, flood-worthy ones) will help me avoid many dirty bathrooms on the road AND give me less anxiety when I am out in the woods on a walk without a bathroom. I can just stop, "check the map" on my phone for a minute, keep moving and give myself a change when I get back to my vehicle.
All that to say, I have supremely enjoyed this adventure of self-discovery so far!! It's even been an encouragement to keep up my juicing and blending more readily -- I found that I'd avoid it subconsciously because it was so annoying to have to pee constantly. I have about 20 lbs I want to lose, too, so who knows, all this juicing and blending and extra hydration will maybe help me shed those lbs! Worth a shot anyway!
Thanks again for this space and community! It's been nice to read through all of your posts and feel "seen" and not weird at all. It seems you all are "normal" people with some quirks just like everyone else but aren't afraid to be who you are.
Keep calm and diaper on!!
